November

new work, new york

Athena pinches on silver earrings and slips the nice loafers out of dust bags while I try on a few different jackets as a vibe check. Coach’s jacket feels too informal. No rain, no raincoat. Puffer feels off when it isn’t brick outside yet. All that’s left is to grab the denim jacket that might be one of the few remnants in my closet from the SF days.

We’ve been anticipating this night out for half a year at this point, but still aren’t sure what’s the appropriate dress code. Is this the kitschy kind of steakhouse, the Salt Bae gaudy affair, or the kind of place where no matter what you feel like you’re sticking out?

Luckily our friend Reid and longtime patron of tonight’s spot is coming along to shepherd us through the night. Reid’s late grandfather grew up in NYC Chinatown in a time when the Chinese community were chummy with Italian informants who would tip off residents when the mob would put hits out on Lower East Side establishments. Peter Luger in Williamsburg just so happened to be Reid’s grandpa’s favorite restaurant back in the day. His family goes every year to honor his memory. Although tonight, we’re here for a different reason.

We peer at our phones to see it’s almost 6pm, now heavy with anticipation of bleeding rib eyes, high viscosity gravy, and lazily chopped iceberg lettuce heads morphed into oozing Caesars. We’re here tonight to celebrate Athena and I both landing jobs as newly minted Product Designers.

It’s been a long year of fear, uncertainty, and doubt for both of us. But somehow we’ve managed to both start new full time jobs in a new field within a week of one another. Things always seem out of reach until you have them in your palm.

So I’ve been telling a lot of people this month about what it’s been like to start a new job after a year off on my own devices. I equate it to being like a kid in the last month of summer vacation—you’re sad that freedom and possibilities are ending, but ultimately bored and looking forward to seeing your friends again. Classes, finals, and homework blow. But you begrudgingly realize the beauty in structure. Couple that with realizing you need a paycheck to fund the capitalistic lifestyle you’ve tried to deny.

That said, I only wish I could say that we had an Ottessa-esque year of relaxation. Most of the year was spent working on my design chops, accepting shitty pay to no pay at all for more projects to add to the portfolio, and going to networking events trying to figure out if people’s self-deprecating autism jokes were for laughs or held some truth. Twice a week, I’d spend a few hours throwing out hail mary cold notes on LinkedIn to see who could refer me to open roles. On phone screens, recruiters would relay how fortunate I was to get a call when 800 applications had been submitted in the last 24 hours on that exact posting. 

Now that I got the job, it’s easier to see that it was all going to work out in the long run. After all, I know I’m capable, but do other people? Trying to convince companies to take a chance on you for something you didn’t go to school for when others with more experience willing to accept less pay can really take a mental toll on your own self perception. You and your friends tell you that it’s just a matter of time and it’s going to take knocking on enough doors to find the right fit, but five months of hearing “no you don’t have the right experience,” has a way of weighing on you.

So you sit through countless portfolio critiques and design reviews hoping to gain game changing insights only to hear people tell you to work on things like your visual design. You spend weeks doing visual design assignments hoping to level up—only to realize on day one of your full time job that you probably won’t need to flex those skills for the next year since the company probably doesn’t have the resources to develop those ideas.

For anyone out there hoping to pivot careers, I leave you with one bit of advice I held onto from a call with a mentor. After hearing me spin in circles wondering I was spending my time on the right thing, he told me, “Hiring a designer is like hiring an architect to build your house. There is no ‘best’ designer. It’s all subjective. It really depends on if their taste matches your own, the connection between you two, whether they’ve found success with the same situation and constraints before. Don’t tell yourself the story that once you get a certain skill, you’re then going to be ready.” Keep developing your skills, but don’t let that stop you from getting out there.

A few weeks prior, we drove out Upstate to do one last weekend with friends before I started my job. We drove past comfortable deer on rolling hills and window shopped our way through quaint towns only to buy nothing. We drove half an hour to the nearest grocery store to marvel at what life would be like buying store brand items if we ever left the city. Kaori and Athena led some morning yoga, Ryan and Diksha proofed pizza dough, and Donna put on a candle making workshop. Jesus Christ, this is 30.

While lying under exposed beams with my mulled cider, I couldn’t help but feel a mourning for the special period of my life spent in the driver's seat deciding when to wake up and what my personal goals would be for the day. What was on the other side of this new job? Would I re-enter into the five hours of meetings every day, trainwreck of managers getting fired every few months, and having to look over my shoulder at all times wondering if I’m adding enough value? The Docusign was submitted weeks ago, but did I want to return to this type of grind?

What fascinates me in life are the things you look back at with positivity and reverence and the moments you look back at to only see the negative. How do our minds categorize which side to sort memories into when experiences aren’t completely pleasurable, but aren’t exactly traumatic.

Luckily for me so far, these last few weeks at work have been honestly enjoyable. My manager is great at prioritizing, people believe in the mission, and there’s a tacit understanding that runs through the company between work and life. More surprisingly, these last few weeks have made me now examine my prior chaotic career path with a new lens. Maybe when you’re caught up in a job you don’t really choose–it’s easy to feel victimized. Maybe having the privilege to take some time off work is the breath of fresh air I needed to get back out there. Maybe in a few months, my feelings about all of this will change once again. After all, life and work are always in flux.
For now though, let’s lean into it. So Ms. Bartender, a dirty gin martini even though that hardly pairs well with a medium rare steak. Tonight, we’re embracing abundance of what we have instead of focusing on what’s missing.